Blast from the Past

This past week has been almost bizarre. I've bumped in to or heard from three people I genuinely never expected to see or hear from again. I live in a decent-sized town so it's not really surprising on all three counts, but two of them really shocked me.

The first one was my ex-best friend, Sam. She and I were friends for three and a half years. We ended our friendship just a couple months before graduation. It's still so weird to look back at the yearbook and see the Senior Ad our parents bought for us. I spent every spare moment I had with Sam. She basically is the main reason I stopped letting people walk all over me. I was mentally and emotionally abused by her in more ways than I can describe. Let's just say she taught me exactly what not to look for in friends. I bumped into her at Walmart and it was the weirdest and most awkward conversation I've been in. I'm glad it lasted only a few seconds.

The second person I've heard from was this guy I used to work with, John. He texted me asking if I'd graduated this weekend, and I informed him that I'll be graduating in December. We texted back and forth for a while, and apparently he wants to have lunch with me sometime in a couple weeks. Did I mention that I had a huge crush on him? Or that we went on a three day trip to Chicago together to see Paul McCartney at Wrigley? Oh, I guess I forgot to add that. My bad.

Finally, tonight's surprise. I walked into the massage place my mom so graciously pays for me to visit on occasion. She had the time slot before me, so she informed me that I'd know my masseuse for the evening. It's a girl I used to play softball with who's a few years younger than me and now pregnant. (For the record, I've got nothing against people getting pregnant when they're prepared, but hers was far from planned.)

I'm not saying anything against these people personally, but it's pretty clear that two of the three aren't driven to make it past the lives they have. One of them was planning on law school, and currently balancing a job at Devon with night classes. One of them got fired as a manager at Arby's and had to bus tables on the overnight shift at IHOP. I'm kind of wondering what people think when they bump in to me, though.

I've always hated how it sounds when I answer people's inquiries. "I'm going to school, still. My degree is in advertising. I don't know exactly what I want to do, yet." I'm in waiting, I guess. Regardless, I don't mind being in waiting as long as I don't become complacent. I'm getting out of here someday very soon. It's going to be awesome when I do, and I just really hope I stop bumping in to people I used to know for a bit.

I'm Miserable At Letting Go.

I hate running in to old friends. Especially the ones I was closest to. The worst part is I can name every single best friend I've ever had, and I can tell you exactly why we're not friends anymore.

You know how snakes shed their skin? I have this weird thing where ever few years, I shed the people around me. Whether it's by my choice, their decision, or a mutual parting due to an argument, I've had my fair share of goodbyes.

A good chunk of the people I've been friends with took advantage of me. From controlling me, to only having me around when they wanted, to mentally abusing me. It's not exactly the best way to discuss old friends, sure, but it's the truth. Ultimately, the pain that comes out of these ended friendships can't be blamed on the girls who I thought were my best friend, but rather on me.

I've always had trouble letting go. When someone hurts me, the logical thing to do is to forgive, to forget, and to cut the ties. Me? I tend to go with the "Let me cause myself as much emotional pain as possible by constantly checking on that person via whatever social media site available at the time for as long as I possibly can" method. It's pretty sad, actually.

But today, even when I ran into my ex-best friend from high school, I slipped into the same weird mindset of worrying about her. Honestly, she was kind of rude. She also looked like crap, whereas I have found myself in a great place lately. A few months back, she was on Jerry Springer. I'm graduating college in December. She didn't even last two semesters. I'm not saying these things to prove to myself, or anyone else, that I'm better off than her. I'm saying that I'm better off than the person she knew.

In the past six months, I've changed a lot. I've discovered more about myself and more about my dreams, desires, and goals than I ever knew. It's not up to anyone else to define me. I'm over all of that. What matters now is how happy I make myself, not how happy someone else lets me be.

I'm proud of the person I've become. I'm not always proud of the person I was, but I'm proud of how I took the blows, adapted and learned. I'm on my way to greatness, folks.